But You Didn't
by XxxAnimaniacxxX
Summary: "There were so many times I thought you'd hate me...but you didn't." Kogan tragedy. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**This is inspired by a poem I read in English class today. I hope you like it.**

Remember when we met when we were five?  
I fell out of a tree and landed on top of you, making you fall and break your wrist.  
I thought you'd be mad at me . . .

_But you weren't._

Remember the time when we were seven and I told you I was terrified of thunderstorms?  
I thought you'd laugh . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember the times all the other kids in the class made fun of me because I was different?  
I thought you'd make fun of me too . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember when we were nine and we met Carlos, and I was so jealous because I thought he was taking you away from me?  
I thought you'd call me gay and possessive because of that . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember when I told you that we had to do a science project on space, but it turned out I'd told you wrong and you got an F?  
I thought you'd be annoyed with me . . .

_But you weren't._

Remember when we were twelve and we met James, and he invited us to go ice-skating and I was too sick to go?  
I thought you'd go have fun with James . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember all the times I called you an idiot when you annoyed me, even the day your dad left?  
I thought you'd walk away from me . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember the time I accidentally told everyone in our class that you were scared of snakes?  
I thought you'd stop talking to me . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember when we went to LA to become a band, and Gustavo called me a disaster?  
I thought you'd agree with him . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember the time I was really, really angry with you and said I hated you?  
I thought you'd hate me too . . .

_But you didn't._

Remember all the times I acted totally jealous of your other friends and protested against your ingenious schemes?  
I thought you'd stop being friends with me because I was too boring for you . . .

_But you didn't._

We told each other everything. We did everything together.  
We were best friends all the way, from five to eighteen, from Power Rangers to hockey pucks, from kindergarten to graduation.  
From Minnesota to La, from being nobodies to being famous.  
There were so many things that I did and said that should've driven you away . . .

_But they didn't._

Maybe they should have.

_But they didn't._

We were always there for each other, and after all this time, it was impossible for me not to feel more than friendship for you.  
The day I fell in love with you was the day you kept me company when I was sick.  
The day you convinced me to give Carlos a chance.  
The day I broke your wrist.  
Maybe I didn't notice it happening . . .

_But it did._

I still haven't told you the way I feel. Maybe I should . . .

_But maybe I shouldn't._

Remember last night, when we went out for a drive, just the two of us, and a drunk driver hit us?  
I thought you'd scream . . .

_But you didn't._

That second was when I knew I had to tell you everything.  
I waited by your bed in the hospital, so that I could tell you I loved you when you woke up . . .

_But you didn't._

It rained that right. I stood out there in the rain, letting the cold droplets wash away my teas. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed to the heavens,

"_**I love you, Kendall Knight!"**_

I was desperate for you to answer, and say you love me too.  
I waited for you to say something back, to show me that you'd heard . . .

_But you didn't._

**Was this too sad? It's more of a drabble than anything. Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

I stayed out in the rain, outside the hospital, crying my eyes out. It was kinda funny; there was a tree a few feet away from me, and I could've taken shelter under it.

_But I didn't._

I heard someone calling my name, but it wasn't your voice, so it didn't matter.

"Logan!" James turned me around. "Logan! It's Kendall! He's alive!"

I was so shocked that I didn't say anything. That was when I realised that there were tears running down James's face. The rain had nothing to do with it. I let him take me by the hand and drag me into the hospital and back to Kendall's room. "They were sure he was dead, though. He stopped breathing and everything."

"I know! They said that something just triggered in his brain and he started breathing again! It's like a miracle!"

When we saw you, you were still asleep, but I saw the slow but steady rising and falling of your chest, and that was good enough. I didn't think you'd heard me, I didn't think you'd come back to me.

_But you did._

Then we saw your fingers move, just a tiny movement. Then your eyes slowly opened, those big green eyes that I love so much. You looked at us, and around the room. Then you tried to speak, but it turned into a weak cry of pain. It was because your arm was broken and big pieces of glass from the windscreen had got stuck in your stomach, legs and arms. A small shard was even embedded in your cheek. You're going to have a scar there, but I don't care. You'll always be beautiful to me.

When I saw your pain, I tried to go to you, but Carlos held me back. They took me out of the room, leaving you with Katie and your mom. I didn't mind much; after all, they're your family, and I'm not. I sat in the waiting room with James and Carlos. Carlos was the first to speak. "So, Logan. How do you feel about Kendall?"

I was shocked. "What are you talking about?"

I saw that James didn't understand either. Carlos wasn't put off. "You know what I mean, Logan."

I sighed. "I love him. I really, really do."

Carlos didn't seem fazed by this. "For how long?"

"A long time."

He nodded. "I knew it."

James's eyes widened. "You did? You never told me!"

Carlos laughed.

Mrs. Knight appeared. There were tears on her face, but she was smiling. Katie was the same. "You three can go in now," Mrs. Knight said, sitting down.

We leaped up and ran into your room. You were sitting up in bed, looking at us. Your face split into a grin when you saw us.

We all sat in chairs next to the bed. You looked at us, now slightly confused."What happened? I don't remember anything."

I looked back at you. "We went out for a drive, and a drunk guy in another car crashed into us. He hit your side of the car. You should've died . . ."

I smiled through my tears of joy. "But you didn't."

**Should I continue, or is this alright the way it is? If you want me to continue you'll need to give me some ideas cos I'm kind of stuck! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**All the credit for the last few chapters goes to because they gave me this super fantastic amazingly amazing idea! U ROCK!**

A doctor came into the room. "Good. You're awake." He gave a warm smile. That was when I knew the biggest reason that I wanted to be a doctor. Making people cry with joy when the patients opened their eyes, because I helped them get better. Now I knew why my dad didn't mind the hard work, the night shifts. It was al worth it to see people smile.

He walked over to the bed, clipboard in hand. "Ok, Kendall. We're going to keep you here under observation until tomorrow night, at least." He smiled again. "Since you'll be stuck in bed all day tomorrow, you might just want to stretch your legs before your friends leave. Go for a walk around the waiting room, or something."

"Can we go out?" I asked. The doctor looked at me briefly. "Just right outside the hospital. No further. Please?"

"Yeah. Alright. Just outside the door."

You nodded in agreement and started to get out of bed straight away. You were a bit unsteady at first, but James supported you. You stood up and pulled on your shoes, which were waiting by the bed. Wee all left the ward. James grabbed Carlos's wrist. "We're gonna go and get a drink from the vending machine."

As he passed me, he whispered in my ear. Only two words, but I understood perfectly what he meant.

"Tell him."

We were left alone. I was the first to speak. "So, you wanna go outside? Fresh air before you're shut back in that ward." You chuckled but nodded at me, and we walked down the corridor.

I felt a blast of cold air in my face as we left the hospital. It felt good; it helped me to clear my thoughts.

We reached the bottom of the steps. I took a deep breath. I had to do it. I had to. "Kendall, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." You looked at me. "What is it?"

For one second, I got lost in your eyes. Gorgeous green orbs. But I managed to keep my head clear. Just about. "What would you say . . .if I was gay?"

You shrugged. "It wouldn't change anything. You don't really think I would judge you for that, do you?"

"Well . . . not really. What would you say if . . . I was in love with one of the band?"

You shrugged again, but for a second I saw something in your eyes. Was it pain? Revulsion? I couldn't tell, but I was trying to puzzle it out. Then you gave a tiny gasp. I panicked. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah," you breathed. "Just a little dizzy. I dunno. Anyway, I still wouldn't judge you if you loved someone from the band."

Somehow this gives me the confidence to say it. "What would you say . . . if it was the one who cried on my shoulder the day their dad left? Or . . . if it was the one who talked me into playing hockey? Or the one who helped me get my cat back from my horrible neighbour?"

You were breathing hard now. Rasping. Maybe I should've noticed it sooner.

"Why can't I just say it straight? Look, I love you, Kendall. You mean everything to me, and I'd die without you. When you cry my heart breaks and when you laugh or smile it soars high." I sighed. "There, I said it. I don't even want to exist without you here."

You didn't say anything, but you were gasping. I finally realised it. "Kendall?"

You clutched at me. "I can't _breathe_ . . ."

"Kendall?" I was scared now.

"Logan . . . I don't . . ." Then you gave a faint moan and went limp. I didn't realise I was screaming your name until Carlos came running out, James after him.

"Oh My God, what happened?" Carlos demanded.

I felt tears spill over. "I told him. Ad now look at him." I shook the body in my arms almost angrily. _"Look at him!" _I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't stop crying.

James took control. We have to take him back in. Now." I don't know how he could be so bloody calm while I was on the verge of hysteria, and Carlos was shaking violently. But he had Kendall's arms and Carlos grabbed his feet, and I found myself running after them, trying to breathe.

They took him straight back to the ward. The doctor was staring."What happened to him?"

"I don't know!" I was sobbing. "We were talking and he just . . ." I covered my face with my hands.

The doctor was doing all sorts of things to Kendall. Hooking him up to some kind of weird machine and putting an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. "I don't really understand this myself. I think he might have already had trouble breathing, but then something just caused his heartbeat to falter, and that was it." He looked grave. "You and the family will need to leave now. Visiting hours are closed. I'll try to help him." He sighed. "But don't get your hopes up."

I left the room, knees shaking. At the corner of my mind, I heard Carlos explaining what happened to Mrs. Knight and Katie. All I could think of was two words that the doctor had said.

_Heartbeat. Faltered._

He might have used that term, but we all knew what he really meant. It meant you had a heart attack.

Katie was crying. But she was glaring at him. "What did you do to him?" she whispered, anger in her voice. "You did this to him! It's your fault!" Her voice rose into a shriek.

"He's probably gonna die and you did it! You killed my brother! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Katie!" Mrs. Knight was holding Katie now, looking shocked.

Katie didn't scream again, but she whispered one more thing before they left.

"_I hate you."_

She was right. Se had every right to hate me. I killed you. I told you how I felt and it killed you. It was my fault.

And I completely understand how Katie hates me.

Because I hate myself.


	4. Chapter 4

__

I can't breathe.

I just sat there, staring into space. Nothing even mattered any more. Mrs. Knight had taken Katie out for a drive around. That usually made her feel better, and the doctor wouldn't let you have visitors. Not that it mattered. You were going to die anyway.

I killed you.

It was like one of those moments like this in a movie, where you see the broken main character stand up like they're in a trance and walk into their room, or walk to the car and drive to the nearest cliff. I was getting up and walking over to the kitchen. I opened one of the drawers and saw your mom's huge bread knife. I held it tightly, feeling beads of sweat slide down my forehead.

I walked into the room you and I used to share. Your bed is still a mess, the way it was when you got up the morning of the crash. It was almost as if you never left.

I looked at the knife, choking on my own sobs as I held it in my right hand and held out my left hand. I told you I loved you, and looked where it got us. You didn't love me anyway. I know what you were going to say

_I don't love you._

_I don't like guys._

_I don't feel more than friendship for you._

There are more options but they all mean pretty much the same thing. Maybe you didn't love me the way I loved you, but you cared. You always cared, no matter what.

I remember when we were twelve; I was spending the night at your house when your mom got a phone call. It was about your cousin phoebe. I'd met her before, and I though she was a lot like you. Even though she was two years older, you were really close.

Your uncle told your mom that Phoebe had slit her wrists. When he found her it'd been too late. No one had ever expected it, but she had obviously felt there was no point in existing anymore. Maybe the same thing that's happened to me happened to her.

You cried all night after your mom told you. You couldn't understand how she would do something like actually killing herself. I remember even when I woke up in the middle of the night, you were still crying. I just held you while you cried for Phoebe. I'm glad you can't see me now.

_**Slice. Slice.**_

I watched the blood fall all over the floor. I didn't do anything to stop it. My head was starting to spin.

I didn't realise I was on my knees until I heard the door open and a frightened yell, then two hands pulling me off the floor. I hear someone screaming my name before everything went black.

* * *

I woke up to see white. Everywhere. White walls, white ceiling, and white bed sheets. I knew I wasn't dead. I was angry. Who interrupted me? Then I saw a flash of green mixed in with all the white.

Then a voice.

"Logan?"

I know that voice. I know _you_.

I sat up so suddenly my head hurt. "Kendall!" You were sitting there, in a wheelchair. But you were alive. That was good enough. "You're alive!" I whispered, feeling tears slide down my cheeks. It was so much to take in, and I can't really explain why.

"Yeah," you grinned. "I'm ok. What about you?"

"Yeah I'm alright."

"Does your head hurt?"

"No, why?"

I was surprised when you smacked me across the back of my head. "How about now? What the fuck were you thinking?"

I just shrugged, rubbing the back of my head.

"Don't you ever do that again! You know James is still hyperventilating? And Katie is in floods of tears! And . . ." you stopped, breathing hard.

"I swear to God," you continued slowly. "If you ever do that again, I'll bring you back to life and kill you again. Don't think I won't do it!"

I couldn't help smiling at you. You were so perfect. Too good for me, really. Maybe it was best if you didn't love me.

"Logan, remember what happened before I blacked out?"

I gulped. Oh no. "Yeah?"

"Did you . . ." you trailed off, looking at the floor. "Did you mean it?"

I shut my eyes. "Yes. I meant it."

"That's . . . great."

"WHAT?" My eyes flew open. "You said you didn't love me."

"When did I say that?"

"You were like, 'I don't' then you just passed out. I know what you were going to say."

"Oh. That." You nodded slowly. "Yeah, that's not what I was gonna say."

I was so severely confused. "So, what _were_ you going to say?"

"You said you didn't want to exist without me, right? Well, I was going to say that . . . I don't want to exist without you either."

You stopped for a minute. "Logan, I love you too. And it wasn't your fault that I passed out. I was already really dizzy. Honestly, i could barely hear what you were saying."

"Oh." I sighed. "Well, then. Do you want to consider going out with me, at some point?"

You laughed and lightly kissed me on the forehead. "i wouldn't miss it."

**Now the story is over! Please review!**


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